HABITS : BACKBONES OF OUR BEHAVIOR

HABITS.

Habits can be good and bad. Let us see how habits are formed.

The Sources of Habits:-

1.          We acquire habits from customs, experiences and teachings.

2.          We acquire habits because they serve our purpose.

3.      We fall into a pattern of action and continue in it because, for one reason or another, it is easy to do, it is easy to do, it reduces our tensions, and it satisfies us.

Again please remember what I said before. Habits can be good and bad, both. You must try to form the habits that are productive and capable to improve your character. The habits that do damage to your character must be shunned.

Now some beautiful quotations one habits.

1.          Habits are formed like cobwebs, and then they become shackles.

2.          Habits, if not resisted, soon become necessities.

3.          Habits are the backbone of our behavior.

4.          The formation of habits has a physiological base.

5.          Poor habits can actually prevent a person from being successful in life.

6.          All habits – whether good or poor – develop and become established because they yield satisfaction.

7.          Habits release the mind so it can think about personal problems.

8.       Although it is difficult to change awkward behavior into a good behavior, we find the change agreeable after it has been made.

9.          Habits eliminate much of the tedium from life.

10.     The motive force behind the formation of any habit is need.

11.     Habits can either help us or hamper us in gratifying our needs.

12.     It is absolutely essential in getting rid of a bad habit to develop some good ones to take its place.

13.     The formation of habits can be left to a chance.

CONCLUSION 

As I mentioned at the start, habits can be either good or bad in their nature and effects. A good habit can enhance your will power. It is also possible that it strengthens your ability to exert self-control and formation of other good habits. But bad habits can deplete your self-esteem and make you a laughing stock in front of others. So, be very careful. Encourage the formation of good habits while never delay to shun the bad ones in their initial stage itself.

WHY MEEE ????

SELF-PITY

THE SYMPTOMS

A statement we often hear from young people with many E’s and even more questions marks, just to give emphasis on the sad feeling they under go. Why is that whatever vehicle I travel by, gets one or another snag en-route and never reaches the destination in time? Why do the people around me stare at me as if I am an intruder or an absconder from some zoo? Why is that, whomever I approach asking to spare a cup of mattha (मट्ठा) for my sake, his buffalo along with its baby appears to die the day before? Why? It appears God has written my fate not with His usual pen but by LHMNh´. Why it is that the status, comforts and boons I am very much entitled of, are invariably become the bounty of my competitors? Why are my parents so imposing and dictatorial while my friends’ so understanding and loving? Why every thing bad in the world comes to me and every thing good goes to others? Why? Whyy?? Whyyy???

SELF PITY: AN ADDICTIVE SEDATIVE.

Well, this syndrome is called self-pity which I may earnestly say, is not at all healthy one. It is not even logical. Psychologically speaking, self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics. It is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, relieves you falsely from pain of your failures and incompetence, and gives you a self-made excuse that fate or luck has deserted you. When we pity ourselves our vision is limited to ourselves. We lose the ability to see anything beyond. When we have problems, all we see, are our problems and nothing else and also what we love of talking about. We don’t see the good things in lives at all. Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.

A PAINTING WITHOUT ERASER

Remember that you are here in this world to paint your life on the canvas of time within the resources available to you and without of course any eraser. So, be very careful. There are a series of great opportunities that are brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems waiting for you. Please understand that it is not what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing, that makes you happy or sad, IT IS ONLY WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT.

Self-pity is a psychological state of mind often found within an individual who perceives himself in a difficult (or unfortunate) state. He has not able to accept the situation as it is and feels that he lacks the confidence or ability to cope up with it or move on from it. He may also believe he is the victim of events and, therefore, deserves condolences from every one around him.

HOWS AND WHYS OF SELF-PITY

Self-pity can also be amazingly self-sustaining, particularly when coupled with feelings of depression or other extreme emotional conditions. It is a perverse way of paying attention to oneself. It is a means of self-soothing or self-nurturing. He feels as if he is left alone to face the problems of life which leaving others keep attacking him only and there is no help from any corner. His mind goes back to his childhood when all the care and attention he received from every one. His weak and fragile childhood takes over his mental equipoise and destroys his emotional adulthood. As a compromise he so imprudently imposes the self-pity to gain attention from others or dramatize distress in order to receive the same pay-off. It is a misguided attempt to seek emotional intimacy with others by evoking their feelings of compassion.  

CONCLUSION

Self-pity and happiness cannot co-exist together. It causes a paralysis of performance. Then the ability of forward momentum gets extinguished. Remember, it is an all consuming monster that will destroy everything in your life except itself. Don’t nourish it. Destroy it before it destroys you.

WAYS TO TACKLE SELF-PITY

1.     Confess/admit the mental felony of self-pity.

2.     Forgive others who have wounded or hurt you.

3.     Realize that the situation you are in is the best situation to build up your personality provided you make use of it.

4.     Broaden your view. Don’t look at yourself as an insignificant individual but as a part of composite divine picture, a part of whole society.

5.     Don’t be self-centred. Come out of your little miserable cell and look at the totality.

6.     Follow some ideal and dedicate yourself to that ideal.

7.     Cultivate some hobby that involves your physical, mental and intellectual personalities at same time.

8.     Pitying yourself is a dead rat in your personality suitcase. Know it. How can you keep a dirty smelling dead rat there? Throw it out.

9.     Pray and meditate daily.

SUMMARY

 

This is a difficult time, and in one way or other, this has always been so. The problems of the time are many. Whether it’s not getting a desired job, dealing with a difficult co-worker, struggling to get along with a boss, hurting financially, coping with health problems, or nursing a damaged relationship, we all have to face adversities and trials in our lives. May be the struggles we go through are the result of choices we made, or may be they are the outcome of the circumstances we have no control over them. We may not be aware of the cause or reason but logically there has to be one. (Can there be an effect without a cause?) Regardless of the cause, the trials we encounter or the pain we suffer must not go in vain. Every trial or pain can educate us. They, in fact, if properly utilized, build our character and help us in developing patience, humility and strength, provided we don’t waste them and permit them to do so.

During the difficult periods we always have a choice to feel sorry for the state of affairs and become bitter. But we always have another choice as well. We have the choice to see the bright side of the coin, the light and the joy that lies beyond the troubling hindrances of the thicket of jungle of our painful present. We have the choice to milk out these trials, allowing them to nurture our character and help us become stronger, and more charitable and dexterous person. We have choice to be appreciative, choosing to be happy, and seeing the colour and light that blesses our life from within. We all have the choices to say “Why Me?” “Why am I so sanctified and considered most suitable to face these challenges?”

 

YIELD NOT TO IMPOTENCE (क्लैब्यं मा स्म गमः पार्थ)

ARISE! AWAKE!!

THE MIGHTY VEDAS SAY

उत्तिष्ठत जाग्रत प्राप्य वरान्निबोधत

Swami Vivekananda quoted these words of power and awakening to his audience. The words are from Kathopanishad and as he translated them carried his own touch and vigour.

Arise! Awake!! And stop not till the goal is reached.

THE THREE TYPES OF PEOPLE

According to the men of wisdom, the whole of populace can be placed into three groups, the scoundrels, the mediocre and the noble people. The Sanskrit Shloka stating these divisions is given below:-

प्रारभ्यते न खलु विघ्न भयेन नीचै

प्रारभ्य विघ्न बिहिता विरमन्ति मध्याः

विघ्नौ पुनः पुनरपि प्रतिहन्यमाना

प्रारभ्य चोत्तम जनाः न परित्यजन्ति

Meaning: Afraid of possible impediments, the scoundrels do not start (any work). The mediocre ones start but discontinue when they face obstacles. But the noble ones, once start (some work), even facing obstacles after obstacles, DON’T QUIT.

COURAGE

The courageous belong to the last category. If you too are the one, then it is mandatory for you to “PRESS ON”and never-ever QUIT the fight in hand. Adhere to the three ‘P’s viz. patience, persistence and perspiration. Take your time and think well before you take a goal into your hands. Fight out en-route setbacks and DONT STOP TILL THE GOAL IS REACHED.

Courage is the most important ingredient of all the virtues. Without courage, you can not practice any virtue consistently. Success, in fact, means that even after stumbling from failure to failure, there should not be any loss of enthusiasm. How can you know what is around the next corner. There may be everything beyond or may be vice versa. Why to worry about that to affect your speed. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep moving, and these small steps will bring down the mountain-peak below your feet one day. Remember, the biggest journey is made up of small steps only. It is better to take many steps, one after the other, in the right direction than try to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.

Don’t ever give up.

Don’t ever give in.

Don’t ever stop trying.

Don’t ever sell out.

And if you find yourself succumbing to one of the above for a brief moment, pick your self up, brush yourself off, whisper a prayer, and start where you left off. BUT NEVER, EVER, EVER GIVE UP.

Life is not as magical here. You are not the only one who feels like you don’t belong, or that it is better somewhere else. But there ARE things worth living for. And the best part is, you never know what is going to happen next.

Men, who have attained things worth having in this world, have worked while others idled, have persevered when others gave up in despair, and have practiced early in life the valuable habits of self-denial, industry, and singleness of purpose. They worked like a bull and lived like a hermit. As a result, they enjoyed in later life the success so often erroneously attributed to their good luck. The prizes of life are at the end of each journey, not near the beginning; and it is not given to us to know how many steps are necessary in order to reach our goal. Failure we may still encounter at the thousandth step, yet success hides behind the next bend in the road. Never shall we know how close it lies unless we turn the corner.

"To succeed, you must have tremendous perseverance, tremendous WILL. ‘I will drink the ocean’, says the persevering soul, ‘At my WILL, the mountains will crumble up’. Have that sort of energy, that sort of WILL, work hard, and you will reach the goal” Says Swami Vivekananda.

“तस्मात् उत्तिष्ठ कौन्तेय युद्धस्व कृतनिश्चया”

THEREFORE STAND UP, O ARJUNA, DETERMINED TO FIGHT.

Neither humiliation nor surrender (न दैन्यं न पलायनं) must be your policy, as was of Arjuna.

SECRET OF STRENGTH AND TRYST WITH DESTINY : PERSISTENCE

PERSISTENCE

SECRET OF STRENGTH

Persistence is a refusal to quit. It is looking into the face of adversity and saying “I like my odds.” It is an unwillingness to move aside. It is like believing in a cause and being distracted by nothing. If you have a goal and you are striving to reach it, keep an unbeatable combination of three ‘P’s as your secret strength. These three ‘P’s can only lead you to your destination. They are:-

(i)                 Patience

(ii)               Persistence

(iii)             Perspiration.

Someone said “Genius is less inspiration and more perspiration,”

TRYST WITH DESTINY

Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people invariably have relentless struggles at their backgrounds. So keep moving. The mistakes and failures are possible, but don’t quit. You have a tryst with your destiny. Solemnly promise to yourself that you will not quit. They say ‘God helps them who help themselves.’ The moment you are ready to quit is usually the moment right before a miracle happens. Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen. Such belief will give you strength in tightest corners of

life. Believe that every moment of persistence is bringing your dreams closer and closer within your grasp. The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. If you persist long enough you will win. So, persistence is the key word. I am not telling you it is going to be easy. I’m only telling you it’s going to be worth it. I have a very power-packed quote, from Calvin Coolidge, for you. Not only read it but write it down somewhere so that it is always available to refresh your mind about your promise to yourself.

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence.

Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men and women with talent.

Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.

Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. PERSISTENCE and determination alone are omnipotent.

The slogan “press on” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

PRESS ON

Keep going! No matter what you do, no matter how many times you screw up and think to yourself that there is no point to carry on or no matter how many people tell you that you can’t do it – keep going. Don’t quit. Don’t quit because a few months from now you will be that much closer to your goal than you are now. Yesterday you said tomorrow. Make today count. No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress you are still way ahead of every one who is not trying. So “PRESS ON”

TIPS ON PROMPTNESS, PUNCTUALITY AND ANGER MANAGEMENT

PROMPTNESS AND PUNCTUALITY

 

Wherever and whenever your character is under scrutiny or being assessed, you will be judged on the basis of these two qualities (along with many others to follow). These ordinary looking words in fact are very significant. They attribute an important characteristic related to value, worth and reliability of any person. If you wish you are not being ignored by the people around you and your superiors, better know all about this quality, read the five rules given blow and assimilate them so that they become your character. But first know that we mean by these qualities. Promptness and punctuality means the following:-

1.     The characteristic of being able to complete a required task or fulfill an   obligation before or at a previously designated time.

2.           The quality or habit of adhering to an appointed time.

3.           Acting or arriving exactly at the time appointed, promptly.

You may ask as to why this promptness or punctuality is so important? Please examine yourself.

Being punctual

(i)                 Strengthens and reveals your integrity.

(ii)               Shows you are dependable.

(iii)             Builds your self-confidence.

(iv)             Assures you are at your best.

(v)               Builds and reveals your discipline.

(vi)               Shows your humility. 

Therefore, try hard to cultivate the following in your character:-

1.                           Try to develop a time sense. If you have an appointment to meet some one at five minutes to twelve, start early enough so you can be there a few minutes ahead of time.

2.                            Realize that if you just fret about doing your work, the job will be on your hands again and again in stead of only once.

3.                            Start on your work early, so you will have time to get it finished.

4.                            Keep a record of your successes and failure in being on time.

5.                     Keep a record of what you have to do. Check off each job as it is completed.

ANGER

In your promptness in attending to your obligatory duties (नियत कर्म) and in all your punctuality and sincerity, you may often face irritating situations. Therefore, let us look at this negative quality called ANGER. I am going to deal with Anger through its inception and birth to its aftermaths soon in my blog VEDANTA: THE ULTIMATE PHILOSOPHY.  This blog is essentially for tips to young people and therefore does not require many details.

All of us know that ‘anger’ is, some times, very harmful sentiment yet it often engulfs most of us. “Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within every body’s power and is not easy.” said Aristotle. So, let’s be careful on the issue of anger.

There are three easy ways to avoid the possibility of harmful results from anger. They are:-

1.           Try to analyse the cause or reason for your anger. If you can look upon the situation realistically and calmly, you will be much better able to do something constructive about it.

2.           Try to ‘work off your steam’ instead of ‘taking it out’ on some one else or letting it upset you too much.

3.           Forgo mailing that letter or doing any thing else on impulse. A few hours later or the next day you will be glad you did not do it.

You will come across number of very popular advices against anger. Any advice that works on you in preventing the anger and saves you from its ugly consequences is of importance. Let us go through those routine advices we normally come across.

1.           Take time out. That is, count up to ten, or chant some holy word or mantra few times, or think of some one whom you loved, liked or respected.

2.           Express your anger when your mind is calm. The anger is a very powerful emotion and must be either substituted, sublimated or expressed in a right way at right moment. Suppression of the same is dangerous. For that it is advised that express it when your mind is not overwhelmed with this emotion and is relatively calm. In this condition, the devastating effects of the anger can be minimized.

3.           Utilize physical outlets. Go for a brisk walk or run or involve yourself in some physical diversion at the time you feel your anger is escalating. Workout yourself. That will work.

4.           Hold your tongue. Learn to pause and think before you speak. Normally in the heat of the moment the blunders are committed. Postpone the conversation if it is likely to raise anger.

5.           Identification of solutions. Instead concentrating on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Make yourself realize that the anger will not fix anything. It will possibly make it worse.

6.           Avoid blaming. Normally the quarrels start when one says “you did this” or “you are responsible for this whole mess” etc. Instead you may say “I am hurt or upset or in pain because of  ...” That diminishes the force of anger.

7.           Forgive. It is a most powerful tool. Let not this negative impulse over-power you. It will diminish and injure your positive strength. Do not allow it to swallow up your brighter aspects.

8.           Practice relaxation skills. When your temper flares up, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or sing some nice song etc, whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.

9.           Lighten up. Don’t use sarcasm. Don’t abuse or call names. Instead use humour to release tension. Gently smile back to the people who intend to create tension.

10.       Seek help. Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you. You might explore local anger management classes, or practice meditation. Speak to some one whom you consider wiser and sympathetic. Please do not suppress it.

Remember – anger is a response to frustration. The happiest life is the life without any frustration.

I wish, you lead an anger free life supported by promptness and punctuality. I will give you more tips involving various traits of mind that create your character.

Till then,

Yaduraj Singh Bais

RATIONALIZATION: A HARMFUL SELF DEFENSE MECHANISM

RATIONALIZATION

DEFINITION

Rationalization is the act, unconsciously motivated, of giving reasonable but untrue excuse or expiation for our behavior.

CAUSES OF RATIONALIZATION

Rationalization is a defense mechanism identified by Freud. According to Freud when people are not able to deal with the reasons of their behavior or feelings in a rational or logical manner, avoiding the true reasons for that behavior, in particular ways, they protect themselves by creating self-justifying explanations for the same. For example, if I flunk out of school because I didn't study properly it might be so hard for me to deal with that and I rationalize my behaviors by saying that I simply didn't have enough time to study because I have a full-time job, a baby at home, and so many other demands on my time. Or a student might blame a poor exam score on the instructor rather than his or her lack of preparation. The examples may be very many. Since the malady is common to all of us, especially to young boys and girls, I am very much concerned, and therefore this topic.

This attitude of rationalization does a great damage to your inner equipment (अंतःकरण) and thereby to your self-esteem. Please remember that you can justify your actions to every one around you but cannot deceive yourself. Your inner equipment (अंतःकरण) remains aware of and deeply concerned with the reasons of your failure. If you keep suppressing the same by rationalizing every failure, you create a wall between your inner-self and the overt mental layer. Thus, the outer self or the superficial and limited knowledge becomes alienated from the vast wisdom of अंतःकरण and as an obvious result you loose your self-esteem. I come across many girls and boys of promising capabilities but because of the damaged self-esteem they try to avoid facing the challenges of life. That is a very sorry state of affairs.

Ways to avoid Rationalization:-

1. First of all acknowledge your defeats, disappointments or failures honestly to yourself.
2. Secondly, after the first step, set about to correct whatever it was that caused your defeat, by getting information, thinking some on it, talking to some one who might help.
3. Then, concentrate for a while on something, you know, you can do well to help preserve your self-esteem.
4. Lastly, try something new and different, or try a new approach to the thing you have failed at.

Try the above methods in that order. These are the findings of a number of psychological researches. If you are honest with your self, and apply these corrective measures, I am sure you will be benefited.

THE RUDIMENTS OF SOCIAL BEHAVIOR

 DO’s AND DON’Ts

There is a law in science that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The Hindu philosopher of yore also believed and professed the same, nay, they improved on this law and came out with the unique law of Karma. Law of Karma is to be described separately on my other blog (Vedanta, the Ultimate Philosophy). If you wish to know the delicacies of actions and understand their repercussions, you are most welcome to visit that blog. Here, let us limit ourselves to the essentials. What ever you do to others, will come back to you in form of a reaction. For this reason some DO’s’ and DON’T’s are formulated by the doctors of psychology for rational people. I reproduce their findings and conclusions in eight DO’s and seven DON’Ts below:-

DO

1.          Think well of others.

2.          Be good to others.

3.          Speak well of people.

4.          Get your mind off yourself.

5.          Have some common interest with others,

6.          Be adjustable.

7.          Be an interesting person.

8.          Be yourself.

DON’T

1.          Be undependable.

2.          Be argumentative.

3.          Be vulgar.

4.          Be sarcastic.

5.          Be boastful and noisy.

6.          Be too inquisitive.

7.          Be too aggressive.

RULES FOR ATTRACTIVENESS

There is nothing new to these rules if you know the saying “as you sow so you reap”. All boys and girls wish to be more and more attractive. The psychologists have delved deep into this desire and discovered five great rules for attractiveness. Do you want to know them? These rules are placed below:-

1.          Be clean.

2.          Be energetic

3.          Cultivate good expression.

4.          Cultivate good manners.

5.          Be tactful.

BE TACTFUL. Please look at the last one, “Be tactful”. While we converse with others we normally overlook their mental reactions. That shows our grossness. If we are little careful, it is not difficult to realize how the other person(s) is/are reacting to our talk. The reactions are always printed in their eyes, if only we know how to read them. That is not very difficult too. Suppose you tell some one, “Man, listen to me first” and watch the impression of your words in the eyes of that person. Then you speak the same thing to other man little tactfully, “Gentleman, kindly (or please) listen to me first.” Will you see the similar impression? No. Once on a Railway yard an English Officer was scolding his Indian subordinate, “Man, why didn't you do this?” Swami Vivekananda on hearing this sentence approached the officer and corrected him, “The proper word of address is ‘Gentleman’ and not ‘man’. It is sad to note that you have forgotten your own language.” An expert diplomat once defined the diplomatic language, “You say the bitterest things in a way that the same is received by the other party as a favour being done”. I am sure you are familiar with this famous Sanskrit saying (सत्यं ब्रूयात प्रियं ब्रूयात न ब्रूयात सत्यमप्रियम). This means that you must speak the truth but it should be a pleasing one. Unpleasant truths should not be spoken at all. This was about “tactful” speaking. The same thing is applicable in other social intercourse.

You must also contemplate on other points and grasp their intent and import in day to day life.

CONCLUSION

So, never impose yourself on others. Respect their feelings and sentiments. The reason is simple. If you are not tactful during the conversation or other social intercourse you loose the basic rationale of COMMUNICATION. It becomes meaningless tirade or simply a hollow harangue. So be careful. Incorporate necessary improvement in your habits.